Parts of Our Self-Talk
I. Self-Talk
Our self-talk seems self-authored.
If we observe and examine our self-talk, we notice it is more akin to a story composed by various authors. And, we can begin identifying the author of each part.
Understanding the parts of our self-talk - their origin, what they sound like, how they manifest - helps uncover our authentic voice, and change how we speak to ourselves. And, when we change how we speak to ourselves, we move closer to becoming who we are meant to be.
Here, some observations on the parts of our self-talk.
II. Parts of Our Self-Talk
1. Inherent
This part of our self-talk feels like our true, authentic self.
It is Divinely bestowed. Original, pure, and without judgment. It is our untainted, and unvarnished self. It is deeply personal and peaceful.
This self-talk may feel like a natural predisposition toward a specific kind of conversation, topic, or environment. It may feel like a spark or gravitational pull, generating curiosity, energy, even love.
This self-talk is a guide to our self-realization - lighting the path for who we are meant to be. 1
2. Learned
This part of our self-talk usually dominates, and is unchosen by us.
This self-talk includes what we have learned from our parents, school, society, and close friends. It includes behaviors, attitudes, opinions, and even decisions that belong more to others than ourselves. It’s what we have fully absorbed, assimilated, and internalized from our external environment.
This self-talk feels “normal” and “right” because it’s familiar. It’s what we know. It also helps us fit in, feel accepted, and seems to be “what everyone does” and “how life is.”
This self-talk is usually passed from generation to generation - our parent’s self-talk becomes our children’s self-talk.
At some point, this self-talk may feel deeply untrue and unauthentic for us. We may sense we are living (even re-living) someone else’s life, dreams, and expectations, rather than ours.
This self-talk manifests in subtle and significant ways. For example, we may repeat the prejudices, fears, and obsessions of our parents, even grandparents. We may also consume the same information, and purchase the same things as our friends and colleagues.
Unsurprisingly, this self-talk is a significant obstacle to our self-realization.
To identify your learned self-talk, observe what you say to yourself, examine your beliefs, attitudes, and opinions, and ask:
i. Where have I heard something similar in the past?
ii. Do I sound like the person I aspire to be?
iii. What lesson am I passing unto others?
3. Conditioned
This part of our self-talk is chosen by us.
It has two components: unintentional conditioning, and intentional conditioning.
a) Unintentional Conditioning
This self-talk is how we unintentionally condition ourselves.
Specifically, it’s how we talk ourselves into doing things we believe are small and inconsequential, without recognizing their long-term compounding effects.
Examples:
“I read to fall asleep,” becomes “I have to read to fall asleep.”
“I will have a drink to relax,” becomes “I need to drink to relax.”
“I enjoy 1-1 conversations,” becomes “I am not a good public speaker.”
When we repeat these kinds of statements to ourselves, they become deep seated beliefs. We unintentionally lead ourselves astray, and limit what is possible for us. Later, we may look back and ask, “how did I get here?”
To identify your unintentional conditioning, notice when you begin sentences with:
“I am” or “I am not;”
“I need,” “I must,” or “I have to;” and
“I always,” “I can’t,” or “I never.” 2
These extreme phrases are our signals to pause, and ask:
i. What am I conditioning myself to believe about myself?
ii. Is my behavior creating an unwanted habit?
b) Intentional Conditioning
This self-talk is our intentional choice to become who we are meant to be.
Specifically, it’s how we talk ourselves into doing things differently than in the past. This self-talk demands devotion to ourselves, and consistent practice.
Examples:
“I don’t want to deal with it,” becomes “what’s one small step I can take?”
“I failed,” becomes “what is the lesson here for me?”
“I am not a good public speaker,” becomes “how may I experiment here?”
This kind of self-talk conditions us to:
Think in questions rather than statements (invites curiosity); and
Do things we dislike that are necessary (builds capacity).
Consistently practicing this kind of self-talk enables our self-realization.
III. Self-Realization
Our self-talk paves the path to our self-realization.
When we observe and examine our self-talk, we uncover our authentic voice and create the aperture for the realization of our full selves.
Each thing we say to ourselves is an invitation to move closer or further from who we are Divinely meant to be.
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1 See Natural Talents; See also Gut Feeling, Instinct, and Intuition.