On Grief: An Attempt to Understand and Prepare

I. Foundations

I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.
- C.S. Lewis

Anger stems from fear.
- Lao Tzu

There are only two emotions: Fear and Love.
- Elisabeth Kubler Ros

II. Grief → Anger → Fear

When we experience grief (loss), our natural response may be “Why?”

Our grief may become anger. Anger from our lack of understanding, our inability to control.

With time and reflection, we may discover our anger is rooted in fear.

Fear of the future, the uncertainty, the unknown. Fear of the change brought by loss.

Fear that the loss we are experiencing may include a loss of our identity, a loss of the familiar, a loss of our routine.

And, perhaps more profoundly, fear that our loss leaves us feeling alone. Truly alone.

III. The Practice

Rather than avoid unpleasant thoughts of loss and grief, the practice is to prepare for their inevitability by moving with them. 1

Specifically, by practicing memento mori. To remember death, to remember you will die, and perhaps more poignantly, to remember whom you love will die.

When we move through life with memento mori ever-present in mind, it prepares us for the arrival of loss and grief. And, when we imagine our future loss and grief, a hidden treasure is revealed unto us.

IV. The Treasure

Imagining our future loss and grief transfers us to the present. We become fully present, undistractable. Our patience and compassion flows outwardly. We are overcome with gratitude and love. Put another way, when we imagine unimaginable pain and loneliness, it ushers in a tsunami of energy, relief, and joy.

Living with memento mori ever-present in mind replaces fear with love. It also softens grief’s blow. It disarms grief’s accompanying anger and fear by allowing us to gently process and accept it over time. It helps us slowly anticipate and adapt to what’s ahead, so its arrival may be peaceful for us.

V. Benediction

May our practice invite us to walk differently. Each step, steady, grounded. 2

May our practice expand our gratitude and love for life, and offer us peace.

May our practice help us understand, in each moment, something sacred is at stake. 3

And, with God’s grace, may we embody the sacredness of each moment.

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1. Admittedly, little may prepare us for loss and grief. At the same time, personally, living with memento mori ever-present in mind has deepened my presence, made time feel elastic, and increased the fidelity of each moment. It has changed what I see and how I see.

2. See To Walk Gently and How Do You Walk?

3. Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel.