How I Arrived at Coaching
Trauma, Reflection, Divine Intervention, and Doing Nothing
My journey began without realizing it.
My arrival, unexpected.
I. Trauma 1 - A Separation (August 2019)
In August 2019, my wife and I separated after 18 years.
The three days following our separation I attempted to self-soothe. Unable to eat, sleep, or even force a smile, I sat on the couch with Brutus (our dog) and rocked back and forth all day. It was unlike any pain or loss I experienced before.
With time, our separation may have reignited my interest in learning more about myself. I now wanted to avoid past mistakes and become a better version of me.
II. An Outside Perspective (September 2019)
In September 2019, as part of my performance review at work, I was asked to take the Clifton Strengths Finder test. The results resonated deeply. Reading them felt like an unwrapping of me. Seeing myself for the first time looking in.
I became fascinated. Curious to learn more about myself and how I could become a better team member and person.
I reviewed and studied the results carefully, several times. On weekends, I would sit with the results and my manager’s performance review. I would write on the margins instances when I recalled a certain behavior matching the results, and consider how I would do things differently next time.
This was my first time actively and deeply engaged in working on myself. Dedicating time to the person I wanted to become.
III. My Personal Development Plan (October - November 2019)
I decided to start a Personal Development Plan (PDP).
I began without a goal, time frame, or guide. It was my first time doing something like this, and felt well equipped to start. I simply started and worked on it every chance I could.
Creating my PDP felt like an adventure. Each time I discovered something new, recalled an experience that led to a learning, or thought of a way to avoid an old behavior pattern, I could feel myself making progress. I was putting these lessons into daily practice, and very, very slowly (with many missteps), moving closer to the person I wanted to be.
Every experience offered an opportunity for reflection, learning, adjustment, and to keep building my PDP.
The PDP was becoming my personal guide, my way of being.
IV. The Grand (December 2019)
One day, I serendipitously came across a retweet mentioning The Grand.1
I remember reading the tweet thinking “Oh, this is exactly what I am working on with my Plan.” Curious, I checked it out.
The Grand's initial program was focused on navigating Career Transitions. At the time, I was becoming disillusioned at work without plans to leave. Highly sensitive from my separation made it difficult to think clearly about a career move.
At the same time, something about The Grand spoke to me. On January 4, 2020, I submitted my application, and later, had a video interview with Rei, The Grand’s co-founder. Rei was a beaming ray of light. After our conversation, I felt light, happy, and even more interested. Rei invited me to apply to their first cohort.
When it came time to submit my application, I stared at the screen unsure if this was the right time. Then, a loud, compelling voice said “do it” and it was done. The application completed itself and the mouse clicked. The decision was made for me.
About a year later, in another conversation with Rei, she mentioned I was their very first applicant. Joining The Grand is one of the best decisions I have ever made (was made for me).
And, little did I know that the people I would meet at The Grand would become my life-line, and help shine a light unto my path.
Divine intervention.
V. Trauma 2 - A Reduction (January 2020)
On January 14, 2020, I woke up feeling perfectly fine.
An hour later, on my way to work, I felt unlike myself. By noon, I returned home. I laid in bed for two hours with little relief. At 2:00 pm, I knew I had to go to the hospital. Something was wrong.
A battery of tests showed I was fine. I called my parents to let them know where I was. I felt I would need them very soon.
My condition deteriorated slowly, then quickly.
Between 10:00 pm and 1:00 am I was at constant level 10 pain. Crying, hunched over in severe and debilitating pain, I became highly sensitive to everything. My dad reached out to comfort me, and I swatted his arm away. He barely touched me, and it felt like the surface of a cinder block scrapping my skin.
It must have been around 1:00 am when I leaned over to the nurse and begged her to “please do something.” They ran another blood test, and at 2:00 am I was rolled into exploratory emergency surgery. My last memory is bouncing up and down off the bed, freezing cold and in excruciating pain, my arms forcibly stretched out, and blinded by the bright white light.
I spent days immobile on a hospital bed, tubes extending out of me everywhere. Almost two weeks in the hospital.
The surgery was a prelude. What followed was an almost complete loss of my physical ability, and dependence on my parents.
Days before my surgery, I was boxing at the gym, walking Brutus, living a very intense and active life.
Now, I had been cut down, reduced.
VI. Trauma 3 - Being Let Go (July 2020)
While recovering from my surgery was physically and emotionally challenging, I was slowly adapting. I spent hours simply sitting on the couch. The only thing I could do.
Everything slowed down dramatically.
So, I dived into my PDP.
By late February I returned to work, then in March, asked to stay home as COVID spread.
I dived into my PDP again, enjoying my solitude and recovering.
In June, I was asked to return to the office, then in July, forced out of my job.
At this time, my divorce became final. I had now lost my wife, my health, and my job.
The compounding impact these losses were having on me would surface under quarantine.
VII. Trauma 4 - Quarantine and Fear (August 2020)
Up to now, I had enjoyed my time alone.
Early on, quarantine allowed me to recover at home, spend more time with Brutus, and work on my PDP. Quarantine and physical restrictions made it impossible to do anything else.
Now, months later, still physically weak, emotionally fragile from my divorce, facing the loss of income, and absent all human contact, solitude began to feel very different.
Fear reared its ugly head.
In August 2020, I suffered my first anxiety attack ever. It persisted for weeks. I felt I was losing my mind. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, and try to put myself to sleep by clutching a Rosary. It became the only way I could fall asleep.
Incarcerated. Away from everyone and everything. Unable to do anything physically or socially, and emotionally and rationally paralyzed.
The world outside also seemed to be collapsing - social unrest, political upheaval, worldwide pandemic and economic crisis.
I was losing my mind with no where to turn. Occasional zoom calls with friends and family, Brutus’s company, and my faith was all I could hold on to to stay sane.
This was the most dangerously fragile I had ever been. On the brink, at the edge, of the abyss and disappearing.
I felt stripped to the core. I felt like nothing.
VIII. A Decision (January 2021)
On January 19, 2021, I had a zoom call with four lifelong friends. I broke down completely. I was at my end. Unable to withstand anymore. I poured myself out to them.
The following week, I realized I needed to make a drastic change. Feeling I was losing my mind, I understood a shift, a move was necessary.
My apartment contained memories of all the losses. All the pain that began in August 2019 was lived in that place, everything around me was a reminder, and quarantine prevented me from moving on. I needed to move. My sanity, my life, were at stake.
Under the circumstances, I had only one choice: return home.
Sometime near the end of January, I asked my parents if I could move into their guesthouse. On February 27, 2021, at 43 years old, I moved back to my parent’s house.
A week or two before the move, I wrote this note 2
I was exhausted. I had lost 40 lbs and felt like a leaf in the wind.
So physically and emotionally drained, I had no energy to care.
IX. Doing Nothing (March 2021)
Part I
Sometime around March 22, 2021, exhausted and with an opportunity to rest, I decided to just “do nothing.”
Without a time frame, without a goal, without an agenda, or a plan. I disconnected from almost everything.
I spent most of my days in silence.
I would sit on the couch for hours looking at clouds pass, listening to birds sing, or out in the park with Brutus. Watching, observing, listening, sitting. Admiring the world around me.
I ate at home quietly, letting my mind wander aimlessly. Thoughts came and went.
A friend asked, “So, what do you do all day, sit and watch TV?” I answered, “just sit.”
Sometime in April, I stumbled upon two videos: The Power of Letting Go and Finding Joe.3 Intrigued, I ordered the Tao Te Ching.4
Each day I would read 1-2 passages of the Tao. Then, sit with it. Reflecting on it, my life, and try to put it into practice.
Putting the Tao into practice and experiencing the outcome opened my eyes to a new way of being. It was the exact opposite of how I had lived my life (ie. chasing, pushing, controlling, etc.).
Part II
After some more time and reflection, I began receiving deep insights.
At first, I was unsure whether I wanted to interrupt “doing nothing.” Then realized these revelations were profound lifelong lessons. I would regret letting them escape me. They held information that could help me become a better person.
Sometime around May 18, 2021, I bought a big notebook with unlined white pages and a blue pen. Then, the writing poured out.
Walking through past decisions, observations while doing nothing, conversations with friends and family, and more. Reflecting, being open to what may arrive, and writing about it helped me understand who I was, how I got here, and who I wanted to become.
Months later, I would return to my writings to help me make better decisions, remind myself of what holds value for me, and think more clearly about my future.
Part III
Sometime in mid-June, I remember asking myself, “Why don’t I revisit my PDP?” I stopped working on it around the time of my anxiety attack. That was almost a year ago.
Reading my PDP was a bit surprising. I no longer recognized myself in parts of it.
Reading my Clifton “achiever” description no longer resonated. Particularly in light of my decision to “do nothing” and the profound lessons it was imparting. I had trouble reconciling “pushing” myself with “letting go.”
My PDP described parts of what felt like my former self. I no longer felt that way. That was not the person I wanted to return to, or become.
Months of doing nothing, reflecting, writing, and practicing the Tao offered a different way of living. I now saw a very different way of life. A life centered on calm, balance, patience and able to let go.
So, I began editing parts of my PDP with a view toward the future.
Thinking through it with my future self in mind. Pondering what kind of person I wanted to be, how I wanted to live, and how I could bring myself to serve others. My prior work on the PDP served as a foundation, providing many of the frameworks to help me understand and develop my future self.
I defined and identified my “natural talents,” developed my personal flywheel, created a personal checklist to guide future decisions, and more. All new, and built on the foundation of my original PDP started almost two years earlier.
It was intense work. Sometimes frustrating. Some things needed time to steep. It became a daily practice. I found myself doing more, less nothing.
Slowly, I was arriving at my core. Understanding the essence of what spoke to me, the life I wanted to live, and who I wanted to become.
X. A Calling and Resistance (September - October 2021)
My days were looking and feeling different.
I was devoting 2-3 hours a day to doing nothing, editing my PDP, reflecting on it, working with The Grand, writing more, and exercising.
With time, these activities began to offer clarity. Gradually revealing possibilities about my future.
My writing started to change. From lengthy, emotional pieces reflecting on the past to concise ideas.5
I began asking myself different questions. These continued to surface:
Knowing what I know now (based on my PDP, reflections, doing nothing, etc.) how would I feel looking back if I walked away from all the clear signs?
Based on what I have learned about myself (my natural talents, feedback I have received, what brings me energy), how could I pay my gifts forward?
The signs, the “call,” I was receiving was quite clear: To serve others by offering calm, clarity and perspective. And, bring my call to life through my craft (coaching and writing).
I resisted the call.
XI. Clarity and Confidence (October 2021)
Unsure I wanted to relive the entrepreneurship experience, or what saying “yes” to this call meant, I hesitated.
I could still feel deep scars from my years as an entrepreneur and the idea of starting again was unattractive. My drive and energy felt very different this time. More fear than confidence. And I confess, after the prior 2 years, I wanted to avoid suffering.
Unsure how to proceed, I reached out to trusted friends for guidance: Anita, Cristina and Mindy. These incredible individuals helped illuminate my path.
The questions I asked myself changed:
Who could I serve as a coach?
How could I share my experience in a way that serves others?
Toward the latter part of October, I clarified what I felt called to do, who I could serve, and how I can help.
I began feeling the call more confidently.6
Around the same time, three experiences helped restore a bit of my confidence. First, lots of quiet time and prayer in search of wisdom and understanding led to acceptance. Second, I stumbled upon TD Jakes’s idea that “you get saved, so you can get it right.”7 Finally, on October 30, with Brutus at the park, I watched a baseball game.
These teenagers were stealing and sliding into bases, diving for balls in the outfield, and encouraging each other every step. I saw my highly energetic, determined, and optimistic younger self in them. Their confidence, willingness to take a chance, and energy spoke to me.
I teared up, overwhelmed with gratitude and hope for the future.
XII. Energy (November 2021)
A burst of energy came over me.
Perhaps, the result of the prior nine months, conversations with trusted friends, the change of season and crisp Fall air. Likely, a combination of everything.
I felt very different. Energy, clarity, an understanding of my purpose. Excited with trepidation.
Feeling guided, both divinely and by this incredible group of trusted individuals, I had “work to do.” I found it challenging to continue “doing nothing.”
On November 2, I read Ed Batista’s Doing the Work.8 Ed’s article had been sitting in my inbox for months unread. I felt more confident when I realized what Ed describes as “self coaching” is what, unbeknownst to me, I had been doing the last 9 months.
I sat with that.
November 3, I arrived.
——
A Few Notes:
I am able to share this with you today because of the kindness and generosity of so many individuals along the way. Each teaching me, inspiring me to pay it forward.
My arrival, in particular, was possible because of the care, gentle guidance, and wisdom so generously offered by Anita, Cristina, Mindy, my parents, and Rei. Their light shined my path.
Finally, I am convinced I was delivered from the abyss by God. He is the reason I am still here. AMDG
Footnotes:
3 The Power of Letting Go and Finding Joe
5 Pain and Revelation and Clarity and Visibility
7 TD Jakes